Our Neighborhood Spotlight: Mark Hemendinger

by Cheyenne Dorsagno

The Clinton Death Café is our local chapter of a global social franchise that seeks to help people make the most of their mortal lives.

“The aim is to shift the conversation about end of life from avoidance to one of familiarity and comfort,” states the Death Café.

Behind the Clinton Death Café is Mark Hemendinger. He spent 25 years as a Hospice social worker. About five years ago, he attended a panel discussion at Masonic Home. There, he heard about the Death Café. Then, after doing some research, he and a couple friends started our local chapter.

Since, the Clinton Death Café has held over two dozen events in various locations. You may catch them at a church, retreat center, cemetery, or funeral home.

For example, The Clinton Death Café had a gathering on May 6, 2024 in the New Hartford Town Library.

Mark leads the Café out of a spirit of volunteership, and this spirit never rests. Just before the meeting, Mark took a quick break to touch base with a friend. He needed support regarding the deteriorating health of a loved one.

Evidently, Mark has become known as an experienced guide. He was recently asked by another friend to be present for a loved one’s passing.

“It was a very moving experience,” he said.

Still, Mark continues to be a catalyst for important conversations around death. He put out coffee and a festive cake — a staple at every Death Café.

Mark and Pat Myslinski Salzer (a Bereavement Support Coordinator) created a comfy atmosphere. Firstly, they invited everyone around the table to speak freely about the end of life. Without agenda, the conversation was open and spanned a variety of relevant topics.

Keep in mind that this is a casual social experience rather than a support group.

To start, attendants addressed a hot topic – “green burials.”

For those who don’t know, a green burial (or natural burial) doesn’t inhibit the decomposition process. In other words, it recycles the body into the Earth with a biodegradable coffin (if any). On the other hand, traditional American burials often involve embalming and other preservation methods.

According to the Washington Post, about 8 percent of people go for a green burial. That number will likely jump. The National Funeral Directors Association said that 3/5 people are interested in green burials.

One such location for this practice is Greensprings in Newfield, NY:

“Through natural burial, you can give in death as you do in life … You can create a legacy of enduring stewardship and renewal. A legacy that provides a place of peace and beauty for generations to come.”

Photos of Greensprings on naturalburial.org.

To honor loved ones’ last wishes, it’s important to comfort them in their final moments.

The mission of comfort is why someone may move from Palliative Care to Hospice Care. After accepting inability to cure a condition, then the focus becomes utmost relaxation.

This topic is so stigmatized that it might hinder optimal end-of-life care. Time and time again, describe receiving hospice care as “giving up on life.” But accepting the situation for what it is may lessen stress.

“When you have that comfort, patients sometimes live longer,” said Mark.

He has known people that have outlived doctors’ prognoses.

Learn how to comfort people with the “No One Dies Alone” mission. Through this, volunteers can be a compassionate presence to people who are about to pass.

“Special attention is given to dignity, respect, and comfort,” explains Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center.

Johns Hopkins also quoted Mother Teresa: “No one should die alone … Each human should die with the sight of a loving face.”

Mark has been one such loving face. He described it as a “privilege” to share such an intimate moment with someone.

The “No One Dies Alone” orientation material offers enlightening direction on caring for someone in the dying process:

Planning for someone to die oftentimes means planning a funeral as well.

If you plan your funeral, then you’ll help loved ones honor your wishes while they’re stupefied by mourning. You can write your own obituary and plan your burial outfit. You can even have a preemptive funeral before you pass!

Without you, life will be very different for your loved ones. So, you may want to create a binder of passwords, documents, and other useful notes for them to refer to after you pass.

It’s important to make burial arrangements ahead of time. This is important in case you want to have a green burial or donate your body to science, for example. Then, you’ll need your remains addressed before decomposition starts.

Long after a loved one has passed, the family will be suffering from the loss.

Knowing the right thing to say to someone in grief can be hard. It would be a mistake to alienate a suffering person further by ignoring their loss. You can learn how to help by reading The Art of Condolence by Leonard M. Zunin and Hilary Stanton Zunin.

People may be more responsive to concrete plans. So, forego well-meaning generalities like “let me know if you need anything.”

“You’re in a fog,” said one attendant. “You don’t feel like thinking for yourself.”

Attendants shared memories of useful, thoughtful gifts they got in their time of need. They still appreciate that they were given stamps (for “thank you” cards) and paper plates (to skip doing dishes). Friends even delivered them groceries and mowed their lawn.

You can help simply by letting loved ones vent their grief (or not). Their process is their own.

“People grieve differently,” emphasized Mark.

Mark noticed an especially potent fear around how to address kids’ grief.

But he was a facilitator of children’s bereavement groups. And he found that “when they’re given the opportunity to express emotions, they’re better equipped to handle it.”

Kids’ imaginations are often scarier than the truth.

He introduced his own kids to the concept of death early on.

Photo of the Death Café meeting table provided by Cheyenne Dorsagno

Parting words.

Mark’s advice? “Don’t be afraid … Talking about death won’t kill you!”

Everyone needs to take part in the conversation. Younger people and men, for example, are not as present.

Mark’s deadly passion mobilized him. You never know what day will be your last. This awareness also stokes his passion for his hobbies — photography and woodworking.

Mark Hemendinger photography

He made a modest bid for his memory. Hopefully, he’s made “a positive difference in at least a few people’s lives.”

And as for the afterlife? He referenced one of his favorite songs, “Let The Mystery Be” by Iris Dement:

Everybody is wondering what and where they all came from
Everybody is worrying ’bout
where they’re gonna go when the whole thing’s done
But no one knows for certain and so it’s all the same to me
I think I’ll just let the mystery be

Mark summed up his mission: “Awareness of our mortality can help us live fuller lives.”

About Cheyenne Dorsagno

Cheyenne Dorsagno

Cheyenne Dorsagno is an Italian-American born and raised in underdog Utica, NY. She studied English at SUNY Oneonta with a minor in Professional Writing and an Editor-in-Chief role at the newspaper. Currently, Cheyenne strives to make our big world a little smaller by introducing locals to their neighbors via human-interest pieces shared on her blog, Our Neighborhood. She’s pursuing creative writing in her free time and various freelance writing in her professional time, such as by copy-writing.

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Cheyenne Dorsagno

Contributing Author

Cheyenne Dorsagno is a wonderfully talented writer and contributing author on Mohawk Valley Today. Cheyenne highlights artists and creatives along with culture and trends that are happening throughout the Mohawk Valley. She brings her positive energy to everything she does.